"Death makes Angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws"

-Jim Morrison

Parents should never have to bury their children; brothers and sisters should never have to bury their siblings...

I heard news today that a dear friend of mine passed away late at night on October 27, 2009. She was 21 years old.

You never think something like this can happen to you, or even to someone close to you, but the truth of the matter is that it can and it does. Franki was a ray of sunshine. Her smile could change your entire day, her personality, her laugh...made her an amazing person. Unfortunately I fear that she may have kept a lot locked inside. We fear to be judged by others, so we keep the pain to ourselves. When I heard news about her death I was in shock. Its a feeling I can't explain and I would never wish upon anyone. Its confusing and nauseating, its a whirlwind. Everything around you becomes blurry, your stomach tightens, and all you can describe is this numb feeling, this empty and numb feeling. Life is so unexpected. We quote this, we write it in songs, in poems, but do we take this seriously? Do we realize that we could be gone tomorrow? Or someone close to us could be gone tomorrow? Do we tell everyone we love them every single day? Or do we just wait, we can always tell them tomorrow...

There was not a tomorrow for Franki, nor should we all expect to see one for others. Appreciate every day, every second of your life as it flashes before you. Tell your friends and family how much you love them, and cherish every single moment on this earth.

I attended a vigil for Franki this evening, and the pain was so hard to bare. It should not have been like this. Students crying all together for a beautiful girl who left us too soon.

We all grew up tonight, we all realized just how hard this life can be. We also realized that we need to stick together, that we all need each other. We will always remember Franki, we will hold her deep inside our hearts and carry her memories with us forever. She's in a better place now, but of course we all wish she would be here with us. Her memory will keep her alive among us, and I know we will always think of her.

R.I.P. Franki you will be missed

-Steph

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

That every situation we encounter has a purpose.

That every person we meet will mean something.

That every heartbreak will make sense.

It's those days when you feel down and lost and you really have no idea how to get up again that always seem to get me to this point... to the point where I realize that everything happens for a reason. Lately I've been feeling a little down, a little confused/misunderstood. Everything seems to be happening so fast that I haven't had any time to fully catch up to it all. I start school in a week and I already feel behind. I was having a rough day yesterday and decided to call it a night. I woke up this morning, another regular day. I worked at Tasty Yo until about 3 pm and returned home to hang with Cohen. I decided to walk Cohen all the way uptown so he would have his exercise for the day. We encountered three limo drivers hanging out by a hotel parking lot. They began to have small talk with me, very nice guys, and then a minute conversation turned into an hour. And here is where I realized that everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes you need perfect strangers to be placed in your life to remind you how lucky you are. Sometimes you need conversation, attention, laughter...We talked about everything, from politics, to the Caribbean, to the economy, to dogs. These men work three jobs, they struggle to give their family a better life. Their hearts are gigantic. Their smiles... even more so gigantic. They are those men who live for their family, those men who would work nonstop to be able to send their daughter to college. Those men who appreciate the beauty in this life, the beauty that so many of us have overlooked. It is our family, our love, thats the real beauty here. It is not the amount of money you have in your pocket, nor is it the car you drive. It is not the private school you attended nor the number of vacations you have taken... it is so much more. It's holding hands with your wife and watching your children grow in front of your eyes, it's being there for your family through the good and the bad. It's recognizing the fact that money could never buy this, it will never be able to buy this.

I wish so deeply to grow up and help others understand that there is more to this life than money. There are families who have a quarter of what I may have, but they are ten times happier. There are fathers who rarely see their children, who are stuck in meetings or phone conversations and miss out on their lives. I know that changing people is one of the hardest tasks out there. That those people who are big headed, whose money runs their lives, they will never be changed.

This economy has hindered a lot of us, but on the bright side it has woken us up. We live in abundance, but do we cherish what we have? I hope this recession has helped families realize that money means nothing, and family means everything. That money can not buy happiness, it can not buy love, and it can not buy health. It is superficial. Materialistic.

Back to my friends in the parking lot...I am truly grateful for whatever led me there, I am grateful because it truly lifted my spirits and I met some amazing people through it all.

besos

"Sometimes your flush and sometimes you're bust and when you're up its never as good as it seems and when you're down you never think you'll be up again but life goes on..."

Life. There are so many quotes so many ideas and representations of life. How it's hard or easy or worth it or not. Its truly a roller coaster ride if u ask me. Its keeps on going up and down and turning into the most odd directions. Making your stomach drop and making u nervous while feeling exhilarating all at the same time. But really...what is this life? No one knows...no one will know.

At times I confuse myself because I think so deeply of it. Because this world fascinates me and saddens me at the same time. Because at one point you're so incredibly happy and weight less and then it hits you and you're sad and heartbroken. I think one of the most important things in this life is love. The right kind of love. "That brings a fire to your heart and peace to your mind"...that makes you feel real and whole and alive. That's all I wish for. This roller coaster wouldn't be so hard in love. Love is the answer right? Materialistic people are not happy...they feel happy for a split second when they buy that car and then they're down again. But love...love can make you feel like you're floating. Like you've found your purpose. Like dreams can come true and miracles are possible. So many people have quoted about it... "A life without love is no life at all" "live in love" "all you need is love"...all these people...they KNOW they get it. Love is the answer...its as simple as that.

-besos

Do you ever just go into this really deep thinking state? where your mind wanders all over the place...and the world around you just stands still...

I get in this mood all the time...most of the times I love it. I love the things I come up with, the crazy ideas and views of this world. Other times I wonder who else thinks this way. Who focuses so deeply on one moment and captures it in it's entirety. To only analyze it until there is nothing left.

All my life in Charlotte I've never found a sense of belonging...when we left Venezuela and moved to Charlotte I frequently asked my mother when we were returning home. She would say, "This is home" but that phrase has never fit. Home is not this...I may not know exactly what it feels like, but it sure as hell does not feel like this. I could leave Charlotte any minute now, i do not feel attached to this place whatsoever. I do find this a bit sad when you think of it, living in a place for over 14 years and never feeling home. People say "Home is where the heart is", but right now I have no idea where my heart is. I've been extremely confused these past couple of weeks. Like I've been knocked off balance, and I can't find my place again.

I've had a terrible day...a day that has taken me back to some of my hardest moments. I've realized that one of the reasons why I so deeply wish to leave this city is due to the racism and anti-semitism. Simply put...I've had enough. I'm done with hearing racial slurs, Jew jokes, gay jokes...I'm over it all and I wish to escape it. There is so much more to this world, but some less fortunate choose to bring others down in their daily lives. I feel sorry for these unfortunate souls who feel as though they must discriminate in order to fit in, in order to feel better about themselves. Because that's the only reason I can give them...you put someone else down to feel better about yourself right? Because if you can make yourself feel better by making fun of a Black man or a Jewish girl, then you've increased your self-esteem for the day! Well congratulations! These impudent human beings...they make me sick.

Perhaps this is the sole reason as to why I don't feel home. How can one feel home with so much hate around? I have been exposed to this discriminatory behavior ever since I moved here. I hope someday I can find a better place...a place where there are more educated people, people who understand history. People who understand what we have all gone through and that we deserve to be here. Until then I will keep fighting back. "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" right?

besos

A Compilation of My Favorite Qoutes

Well...

My whole life I have been collecting quotes...sad quotes, happy quotes, inspirational quotes, movie quotes, philosophical quotes, song lyrics...and I figured some of you bloggers may want to sit back and just read them...I have a big book at home where I write all of my favorite quotes that I come across...and when I'm in one of those moods I kick back and enjoy these words. It fascinates me how in just a few simple words you can put out such an inspiring message...here it goes...

"Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being one's own person is its ultimate reward."

“Not all those who wander are lost.”

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are”

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” Jimi Hendrix

"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different" -Coco Chanel

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
-Sex and the City

"As we grow up, we learn that the one person who isn't supposed to let you down probably will, and the one person that you never thought would be there for you, is. You're going to have fights with your friends, you're going to lose some of your friends, you may even fall in love with one of your friends. You will eventually lose someone you love - and love someone you never thought you'd find. People are going to hate you, love you, love to hate you, and hate to love you, but the ones that mean the most to you will always be there."

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: 'It goes on.' -Robert Frost

The best kind of kiss is the unexpected, unplanned ones. The ones that just come naturally, like in the middle of a sentence.

Don't you hate that? Uncomfortable silence. Why do we feel it's necessary to talk about bull in order to feel comfortable? That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the hell up for a minute and comfortably share a silence -Pulp Fiction

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.

Time, which changes people, does not alter the image we have retained of them -Marcel Proust

People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without shielding yourself from happiness.

Things fall apart so that other things can fall together.

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.-Marilyn Monroe

Michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. Sometimes life is like that. It tosses us down a hill. But when we reach the bottom and only the important things are left, that's when our vision clears. That's when we hold on tight to what we know, while hope stirs inside us. It's all a matter of perspective -Everwood

I do my thing, & you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if buy chance we find each other - it is beautiful. If not it can't be helped -Fritz Perl

"And on the other hand, when nothing is certain .. everything is possible."

You know that place between sleep and awake, where you're still dreaming? that's where i'll always think of you. that's where i'll be waiting -Hook

The ones who love us least are the ones we'll die to please... ~The Replacements

You know, that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and that person. And you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this gift. And you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time. ~ Never Been Kissed

Do you ever just put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin? Well, that's what love is like; everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall, but for some reason you just keep going -practical magic

Sometimes what you're searching for, is right where you left it --Sweet Home Alabama

For those of you who may not have heard...or those of you who live abroad...My sister and I have opened up a Frozen yogurt shop in Charlotte, NC. We have chosen an area called "NoDa"...North Davidson. It's very artsy and free, a place to be yourself and meet people from all walks of life. We felt that our store Tasty Yo would fit right in. An independent family owned yogurt shop! We sell Original Tart Frozen yogurt...it's plain yogurt frozen! And we offer over 20 toppings to choose from...you pick 3!! It's really good for you...nonfat, low calories, live and active cultures, gluten free etc...

We have really started to pick up and have a wonderful following...people come here every single day extremely excited to get their Tasty Yo fix! Its an extremely rewarding feeling to walk into this place at 10am and realize that this is YOURS! Most of the handy work was done while I was in Madrid...so I have to give props to my sister and my parents for getting this place together. I am extremely proud of my whole family. I have learned a lot here...even if we have only been open for a couple of weeks. I've learned the true passion you must have to open up your own place, I've learned that hard work truly pays off, and that kindness and understanding will always keep you one step ahead of the game.

My family and I try to be extremely kind to all of our customers. We appreciate their business so much! Our customers are becoming fans of our shop in spite of this recession, and their weekly trips to the shop make us extremely grateful! Sometimes I walk in here and I can not believe it! We've done this...worked hard and succeeded! I am so proud!

We face challenges every single day just like any other business, but we also have to deal with family matters. I think this shop has made us closer. It's made us understand the importance of family, and how we can truly help each other. It's made us realize that we need to stick together through the thick and thin. So please send more customers our way!!! We are looking forward to seeing our baby grow!!! Come enjoy some fro yo!!!

check us out!!

http://www.tasty-yo.com/

-besos

Yes, I know....its been a while.

But hopefully I can regain my blog writing skills...I have a pretty good blog planned out to break free from my hiatus. So here goes nothing...

Some people go their whole lives searching for a purpose...

they get so caught up in this soul searching process, that they let their lives simply pass them by. I am guilty of this very act...at times I sit around wondering what I'm meant to do or be...where I'm supposed to live...how long will I live?

Right at the point where I find myself worrying way too much I stop myself. Take a deep breath and realize that you simply must enjoy the ride and make the best of it all. That's it, that's all you can do.

Last Friday I attended a Coldplay concert, and last wednesday I saw Incubus. At the Incubus concert i realized so many things amidst that crowd. I felt a sense of belonging. Like I could stay there listening forever. I really can't explain the feeling but it felt right...comfortable, like home.

Look, I'm not saying that I'm meant to be a concert going groupie, no...but what I do know is that music is part of my life, it must always be in my life. When I was a little girl and would suffer from anxiety attacks, the best way for me to feel better was to simply listen to some music. My parents would put on a cd or the radio, and within a few minutes I would be fine.

I can not explain it...it's as though music rushes through my blood and send a calming sensation all over my body. I do not wish to imagine my life without music...the creativity and artistic ability. It's all so beautiful to me. During the Incubus concert I felt so good, so alive. Like everything made sense, maybe music is like a drug to me...definitely an upper...It just makes me feel so right...so home....So take me HOME.

-besos

One beautiful thing about Madrid is that love is all around. You see it everywhere you go...couples kissing, holding hands without a care in the world. I feel that we may be more reserved in the US, but why? If you love someone, you show it. The couples here want to show off their love, they do not care who is looking. Today I saw a couple on the metro that could not keep their hands off each other. You feel weird looking, but at the same time it reminds you how wonderful love really is. I'm a fool for love. Those of you who know me are smiling right now. But I think its beautiful, I think that everyone should have love in their lives.

I've been here for a month now, and I haven't seen my host parents kiss, nor hug...they have not shown the tiniest display of affection. It saddens me. They do not kiss when they arrive home from work, they do not hold hands when we go out. Their only love is for their daughters, but its truly a shame. It's a shame that what bonds you are your children and your children alone. I would never wish this upon anyone. It seems so weird to me, almost as if they were just room mates. Not even a kiss on the cheek!

My parents kiss each other and hug each other when one leaves for work, or comes home from work. I know that my sister and I are not the only things keeping them together. They have been married for 25 years, and the spark is still there. My mom could not live without my dad and my dad could not live without my mom. Their love always gives me hope that someday I will find that kind of love. Ever since I was a little girl I've had this fascination with fairy tales and Prince Charming. I guess every girl does. But others are more grounded than me. When I fall for someone I fall really hard, and I often end up hurt. Its hard not to give yourself away when you are so incredibly happy. No one ever thinks that it could end wrong. But you know what, I'd rather love fully and completely than put up walls and never get hurt. That pain you feel reminds you that you're alive. That what you felt was real. So I'll keep believing in fairy tales, and I'll wait for my Prince.

"A life without love is no life at all"

besos

So here I am...Friday night...6 days left in Madrid.

I have not thought of a theme for this blog, nor do I have any idea what I wish to write about, so I'll call this a free writing blog.

I keep having trouble sleeping here. I'm not quite sure what it is, I can honestly say my best night of sleep was in Barcelona. All other nights I have struggled to fall asleep, I end up falling asleep around 3am every morning. I hate having to depend on sleep aids, but at times I reach for my tylenol pm. I guess during the day I do so many things, and I'm always focusing on something, that at night when my head hits the pillow I begin to think. I love thinking, but once I start I can't stop. One subject leads to another and then another. Last night I thought about my dog Cohen. He's almost 2 years old, a wonderful yellow lab that has brought me more happiness than anyone could even imagine. I thought about Cohen, and dogs in general because my mother phoned me to tell me about something that had happened to one of our dogs at home. Jazzie is a 15 year old miniature poodle. She has been with us the longest, and we love her dearly. Jazzie suffered a stroke about a week and a half ago, but my mother refrained from telling me due to the fact that I am so far away from home. Jazzie was taken to the vet, and he told my mother what had occurred. The vet said that she would be sort of paralyzed for a couple of days or even weeks, but he told my mom to please not give up on her. Some dog owners think this is the end for their dog, and choose to put them to sleep. But my loving mother has cared for Jazzie day in and day out. Trying to get her to drink water, trying to comfort her, staying awake at night to ease her pain. Well thankfully Jazzie is now drinking alone, and after about a week she finally ate! This shows that with a lot of love and patience we can endure many things. I know my mother must be going through a lot, but this act of kindness only further proves what an angel she truly is.

When I thought about my mother and Jazzie, I immediately thought of Cohen. Dogs are wonderful animals, they give you all the love in this world. You get further and further attached, but unfortunately dogs do not have long lives. This saddens me. Cohen is only 2 years old and I can not wait to have him around longer and build more memories and make him part of my life, but like Jazzie...all dogs grow old. Dog lovers are courageous, they know the canine's life span, yet they still choose to have a dog, and make them part of the family. One thing I love about Cohen is taking him out on the street. Sometimes we go to Starbucks and sit outside. You can not even begin to imagine how he tends to bring a smile upon everyone's face. I love watching this! The frustrated executives, the stressed out students, the hard core YMCA goers... they all stop for a minute and just smile. Cohen has no idea how powerful his sad puppy face can truly be.

These days it seems as though its harder to make someone smile. I ride the Madrid subway almost everyday, and I could count the smiles I've seen with the fingers on my hands. I try to smile at people as often as possible, but they can't seem to smile back. I remember a couple of years ago walking around somewhere and an old man stopped me and told me to smile. He was right, and I still think about that day. No matter what is going on, no matter how late we are running to that meeting, or how stressed we are at work...just smile. I promise it helps.

I keep wondering what Charlotte will be like when I get home. I know I've only been gone a month but I have this feeling that things will change. Maybe not because things have actually changed, but because I've changed. My family and I have so many wonderful things ahead of us. My sister and I will be living together this year. It is sort of like a second chance to relive my childhood. This is my last year of college, that is truly one thing I can not believe. And it is one more thing that proves that time really does fly.

Another one of those thoughts that came to mind last night was about the future. I have no idea what's going to happen next. Its really truly amazing when you think about it. At times I get scared, who will I be? Where will I live? Will I be happy? But you must realize that these questions will not be answered. That you must enjoy the ride and everything that comes with it. That you can only plan to a certain extent, and at times you must let go and leave things to fate. So I'll leave you with this quote:

"Life is about the journey, not the destination"

besos

I’m not quite sure if everyone has this sort of intuition, but you know that feeling when you meet someone and you just know if you’re going to like them or not? I can’t explain it, nor can I even begin to understand how it all works, but these sorts of intuitions always seem to occur in my life.

This weekend I went to Barcelona. I rode the AVE train…Alta Velocidad. This new revolutionary train reaches speeds up to 300 km per hour…or roughly 180 mph. It was amazing. I was truly impressed by this train. A usual 9 hour ride was only two hours and forty five minutes. The AVE has impressed Obama as well, in recent articles, he has talked about trying to bring such a system to the United States. This would be incredible in my opinion. It is truly better than a plane…no need to arrive 2 hours early…you must be there at least 2 minutes before and you’re good to go. No need to pack your liquids in a small plastic bag… bring whatever you want. No identification needed, leave your passport at home. The seats are bigger and recline more, they play movies and have a cafeteria where you can buy bocadillos de jamon! It was wonderful!

I arrived in Barcelona on Saturday morning. For those of you who do not know, I was visiting Ana Reyes, one of my mother’s friends from her childhood. I had never met Ana, only through emails and short telephone calls had I gotten to know her…but none of this mattered. On the train I realized that this was sort of unusual. Arriving in a city and meeting up with someone you had never met. This had never crossed my mind…which is where the whole intuition thing comes into play. I can’t begin to express what I felt when I finally hugged Anita at the station. She has this warmth to her that would bring a smile to anyone’s face. When I was with her I felt as though anything could happen and I would be ok. Like the world could end but being with Anita would save me. She’s an angel on earth, and if you don’t believe me simply take the AVE to Barcelona and you can experience it all for yourself. I only spent two days in Barcelona with Anita, but when I left I felt like I had known her my entire life. I truly believe that people are brought into your life for a purpose…well Anita has become a second mother to me. I feel like she could keep my secrets and never judge a word I say. I feel extremely fortunate and lucky to have been able to spend time with her.

Not only is she an angel, but Anita is a wonderful tour guide! We visited the important touristy parts of Barcelona. Walking down Las Ramblas was a great experience! It was filled with tourists captivated by all Las Ramblas had to offer. Then we walked into the most amazing market. The fruits, the vegetables, the seafood…it was all so beautiful and so colorful that you could spend a day just eyeing every piece. Although the heat was miserable, we kept walking in order to gain our lunch. We walked to this harbor filled with sailboats, it was truly amazing. Finally we arrived to the restaurant which was right on the harbor. I’m glad to say Anita loves food just as much as I do. We ordered arroz negro… the most delicious meal I have ever had in my life. Arroz negro is like a type of paella, rice and seafood…expect for the negro part. The rice gets its black color from squid ink. It has the most amazing taste, that words could never describe. I do not remember exactly how long we were at lunch for, but if it had not been so hot I’m sure we could have talked until sundown. We left the restaurant with happy stomachs and walked a while more until we reached our dessert destination…GELATO! I had coconut of course, Anita had piña colada…both delicious. We walked through this mall and then sat on the dock to watch what Anita calls… “the rats of the sea”.

After almost melting into the dock we decided to head home for a shower and siesta so we could go out later at night. I arrived at my bed and breakfast and felt like I had just gotten home. This place is amazing. Amiga Barcelona is run by a very nice lady named Margarita. She purchased a couple of apartments and put them all together to have her beautiful bed and breakfast. This place is so cozy! Filled with books and balconies, paintings and old bottles of wine. ( www.amigabarcelona.com ) I had a wonderful nap and took a shower to get refreshed and met up with Anita later that night.

We walked around Barcelona, which is beautiful at night. I saw Gaudi’s famous architecture, which really impressed me. Its amazing how buildings that long ago were built to such perfection. When they did not have the machinery and technology we have today. After the architecture we walked into a dangerous area of the city…yes dangerous. Louis Vuittion, Chanel, Cartier, Gucci, Prada…were all there waiting for us to drool on their window displays. We must have spent 30 minutes in front of Chanel. Anita and I have a lot in common…we love shoes, handbags, and watches…well and a lot more of course! We got a little hungry and had tapas for dinner…delicious!!!!! I’m going to miss the Spanish cuisine. Anita told me stories of her life and her travels, she is a wonderful story teller…something I must work on! Then we walked home (passed Chanel again) and right as I got to Amiga Barcelona I passed out!

The next morning I woke up to find the most amazing breakfast. Margarita prepares the breakfast area with such detail. All types of bread and cookies, 7 different types of honey, nuts, granola, jam, cereal, tea…she set the table with the cutest dinnerware. I had to try everything! I played around with the honey and loved every single one. I had a croissant with nutella and some home made granola which was delicious! After filling my face at breakfast I realized it was time to get ready to meet up with Anita.

Anita and I rode the metro a lot in Barcelona…yes it is a wonderful form of transportation BUT the most important part of the metro is the air conditioning. We even thought about spending the day just riding the metro up and down. We visited the gothic part of Barcelona, where they say Jews lived during a certain time. If Anita would not have told me this, I would have realized it by myself at the moment when we encountered Israeli tourists speaking in Hebrew and pointing out every detail of the place. We entered in every store with air conditioning…this makes everything so much better. I must have taken 200 pictures during this trip. We returned to Las Ramblas and had more tapas for lunch. This was truly a delicious trip overall…I can not complain about the meals! The best part of the meals however had to have been the company and conversation. I have learned so much about Anita, and she has learned so much about me. These meals are what bonded us even more. We grew tired and hot and decided to nap before it was time to return to the train station. I packed my things and took a little siesta and spoke with Margarita for a while. She is a wonderful lady, I did not feel like I was at some hotel, I really felt home. Anita and I met up and took the metro to the renfe station. It was sad to say goodbye, but I remembered one thing. My first day in Barcelona Anita made me drink out of this fountain in the street. I took a sip and then she told me that legend says (and it has been proven many times) that if you drink from this fountain you will return to Barcelona. So we said our goodbyes (for now) because we both know we will see each other again. It was truly an amazing trip, the highlight of my European adventure. So thank you Anita!

besos