I get in this mood all the time...most of the times I love it. I love the things I come up with, the crazy ideas and views of this world. Other times I wonder who else thinks this way. Who focuses so deeply on one moment and captures it in it's entirety. To only analyze it until there is nothing left.
All my life in Charlotte I've never found a sense of belonging...when we left Venezuela and moved to Charlotte I frequently asked my mother when we were returning home. She would say, "This is home" but that phrase has never fit. Home is not this...I may not know exactly what it feels like, but it sure as hell does not feel like this. I could leave Charlotte any minute now, i do not feel attached to this place whatsoever. I do find this a bit sad when you think of it, living in a place for over 14 years and never feeling home. People say "Home is where the heart is", but right now I have no idea where my heart is. I've been extremely confused these past couple of weeks. Like I've been knocked off balance, and I can't find my place again.
I've had a terrible day...a day that has taken me back to some of my hardest moments. I've realized that one of the reasons why I so deeply wish to leave this city is due to the racism and anti-semitism. Simply put...I've had enough. I'm done with hearing racial slurs, Jew jokes, gay jokes...I'm over it all and I wish to escape it. There is so much more to this world, but some less fortunate choose to bring others down in their daily lives. I feel sorry for these unfortunate souls who feel as though they must discriminate in order to fit in, in order to feel better about themselves. Because that's the only reason I can give them...you put someone else down to feel better about yourself right? Because if you can make yourself feel better by making fun of a Black man or a Jewish girl, then you've increased your self-esteem for the day! Well congratulations! These impudent human beings...they make me sick.
Perhaps this is the sole reason as to why I don't feel home. How can one feel home with so much hate around? I have been exposed to this discriminatory behavior ever since I moved here. I hope someday I can find a better place...a place where there are more educated people, people who understand history. People who understand what we have all gone through and that we deserve to be here. Until then I will keep fighting back. "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" right?