Tuesday, March 1, 2011
You see people getting sick around you, you see people lose loved ones, but you never think that will happen to you. You're 22 years old, still considered a baby, you have your entire life ahead of you, and you feel invincible. But one day, one day your life changes. The father you know and love is diagnosed with a disease that will change your lives forever. Parkinson's.
My dad has Parkinson's disease. I've been wanting to write about it, but I didn't know the right time or the place. But today feels right for some reason. I was with my father last night and I realized that it was time to express how this entire situation makes me feel. Currently, I feel confused. I long to be a little kid again, because in my mind this doesn't happen to little kids. I'm supposed to grow up and be an adult now, to face the facts and realize that my father has in incurable disease. Incurable....we are living in 2011, and there is no cure.
So what is this disease? We see Michael J Fox in interviews trembling uncontrollably, and we think that that is all there is to it. Well, I wish it was just a tremble of the hand or leg...but there is so much more to it. My father barely trembles, he has a rare condition in which the worst part of this disease deals with his blood pressure. His blood pressure reaches abnormally low levels...there are times when the blood pressure reader marks "ERROR" because it is so low that it cannot interpret a reading. My dad feels dizzy and out of breath all the time. He is weak, tired, and worn out. He looks sad, defeated, and this kills me.
Perhaps I should back track and tell you about my father.
Ever since I can remember, my father was a superhero in my eyes. He could compete in any sport. He could beat a kid half his age in tennis. He could run marathons, he could survive in the wild with a match and a pocket knife, he could spearfish and catch stingrays twice his size....he was my own personal superhero. His days consisted of morning jogs and afternoon tennis matches. He would always make us play sports and challenge us to our fullest potential. Saturday mornings consisted of me being dragged out of bed to play tennis...and "earn" my breakfast or lunch. When I was a kid he would go on bike rides that lasted forever. He would let me ride on the handlebars and I trusted him with my life. He did one handed push-ups and could open any jar, any bottle, anything that I couldn't even dream of opening...every hard task would always be passed on to dad, because we knew he would get it done. At the beach he would dive into the ocean and go on hour long swims...swims where I sometimes felt he would never make it back...eaten by a shark perhaps. But he always came back, tired, but ready for the next challenge.He was my superhero.
My father is trapped in someone else's body now. He is a far cry from what he used to be, and this hurts me more than anyone will ever know. I'm 22 years old, and all of this seems completely unfair to me. I want my dad back, I want his smile back, I want him to feel alive again.
We have been to numerous amounts of doctors, they've ran hundreds of tests, but nobody has a solution. My dad takes a cocktail of medication, but he doesn't feel any better. His local doctor has already given up on him, and has decided to drop him as a patient. Who are these people? When the going gets tough lets just give up? Who does that? We work closely with a doctor at Duke University Hospital, but he still hasn't given us any hope. We'll be visiting Emory in a couple of weeks, and other doctors to test for other diseases that may also be playing a role in dads condition. I think this has been the toughest part of the entire process. Visiting doctor after doctor, telling dad's story over and over, and seeing their faces of confusion, because "they've never seen anything like this before".
I watch these ridiculous tv shows, where patients have rare conditions and Dr. House gets a vision and solves their case. I wish Dr. House was here, I wish he could see my dad and have a solution to all of this pain. My dad is a strong man, he has a heart of gold. He cares for his family and lives for his daughters, he deserves a cure. We all deserve a cure, a remedy, the right cocktail of medications. The doctor that quit on us told my dad that he would go back to his normal self once he started his medication. He is far from his normal self, and she should have never told him that.
One thing I do know is that our family bond is what is keeping us all together. We're going to fight this one way or another. Our family has been through so much, and I know that we will stick together through all of this. So pray for my dad, and pray for all of those families out there that are dealing with this disease,
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
So here I am...college grad.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
John Lennon once said," Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". I find myself having to stop for a minute and remember this quote. Lately I've been extremely busy with school and work, and I've been very stressed with the whole aspect of making plans. I have one more trimester left in college, and then I have no idea what will happen next. I keep trying to make plans for myself. Make sure I end up where I think I belong. But the truth of the matter is, I will most likely end up somewhere I could have never imagined. Somewhere that fits me perfectly, somewhere new and refreshing. And I'll have some sort of master plan, and it will ultimately be thrown away. No matter how hard we try, we can not plan out our lives. We may have an idea of how we wish for our life to be, but we can not foresee into our future. Our lives come together little by little. At times they make absolutely no sense at all, but in the end I know that everything will have a purpose. I'm only 21 years old, and I can already look back on my life and find meaning in a lot of things. There were instances when I felt so incredibly happy, like i truly belonged at the place and in that situation forever. Whenever an instance like this got shattered, I was upset, disappointed, lost...but now I realize exactly why things occurred the way they did. We all need to remind ourselves that our future will not turn out as we had planned, so just enjoy the ride. Take every situation and make the very best of it. And realize that if you are not happy at that moment, it will certainly all make sense in the end. And like they say...if it doesn't make sense, its not the end.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
"Why are we here, and where do we go, and how come it's so hard?"
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Not quite sure how to start off this blog...but theres something that has been bugging me lately. As you may or may not know I am a fashion major. And, as you may or may not know I need an internship to graduate. Lately I find myself thinking a lot about this. I've applied to several fashion houses in New York City, I've applied to Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue...etc. But I'm not 100% sure that this is what I want. Ever since high school I have kept myself up to date on issues occurring around the world. The genocide in Darfur, the war, the starving children, the AIDs virus...the poverty. I have had a passion for helping people ever since I was a little girl. I feel that I have been extremely fortunate, and it is my duty to help others who are not as fortunate. I feel that we should all give back to this world. We have been given life, now it is our turn to help our crumbling world. And yes, it is crumbling.
I am blessed...I am healthy...I have a roof over my head...I have food on my table..and I can make a difference. Do I want to go work for a fashion house? Or do I want to go help these people? I feel so selfish...moving to New York attempting to live a fabulous life while there are so many hurting around me. This is probably one of the biggest crossroads that I have approached so far. I am so confused I can not get myself together. As the days pass by I know I have applications to send out and living arrangements to prepare. But I want to make the right decision. I feel like this is such a huge decision. If I choose fashion...I have to stick with it and bust my ass. If I choose philanthropy, I have to love it, I know the pay will not be great, but the emotional pay will be priceless. But I have to love it and life for it. I think I need to take a couple of days and study both sides....and somewhere someway I'll know what I need to do.
Monday, December 14, 2009
It's almost midnight and once again I find myself unable to sleep.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Although a dreadful subject, for some reason or another I feel that its time for me to experience new heights in this blog and write about things like....death.