Twitter / StephAntoinette

Monday, December 14, 2009

It's almost midnight and once again I find myself unable to sleep.

I'm trying to put together exactly what I hoped to portray in this blog, but I can't quite get my thoughts together.

I currently watched several episodes of Sex and the City, and a certain instance in one of the shows caught me off guard.


I know I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me, but right now I'm extremely confused as to what that entails. I feel as though my life has flashed before me. A mixture of school days and trips and nights with friends. But nothing significant. I have worked extremely hard to achieve what I have in school, but looking back now its simply a blur of restless nights, studying and wondering what I got on that exam.

My mom has warned me about this, days when I'm way too stressed for my age, caring way too much about a grade or a paper. But the truth of the matter is, it makes me feel like I mean something. At the end of the day, when I don't have any other accomplishments, at least I can look back and say I managed to keep a 4.0 throughout my college career. Does that sound pathetic?

I've been stressing out lately because I like to plan things...I like to know what to expect. These past four years I've been able to recognize what's coming my way. Accounting, marketing, psychology, qualitative research...they're all planned out. But come May I have no itinerary. I will walk across that stage and I will not have any sort of map or direction. And I admit I am terrified.

I'm extremely afraid of failing, of letting my family down, of letting myself down. I have these picture perfect plans in mind, but no way of knowing if its in the cards.

I do understand that I am a survivor, that whatever comes my way will work itself out. But I'm 21 years old, and the upcoming years are extremely significant to me. They will mold me. Show me a glimpse of what's coming up next.

I guess bottom line I'm feeling a little homesick already.

Not technically homesick for my home or for my family, but for this familiar ground. This comfortable schedule. Wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, go to work, sleep. I've grown accustomed to this plan, no curve balls, just classes and homework.

I have a chance to interview at Valentino in New York City. I've been keeping this quiet because I'm terrified. Sitting in a room interviewing with one of the top fashion houses in the world... it's bittersweet really. Its an amazing opportunity. Its a dream come true. But I'm terrified.

What if they completely rip me apart?

What if they hate me?

What if......

What if they love me?

What if I get the internship and move up to New York City and my life completely turns around?

What if its destiny. My calling. My new plan.

What if every part of this uneventful, stressful, 4.0 life of mine has led me to this?


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